Week 4: Mixed feelings

I don't always talk much. That doesn't mean I don't like the way you behave. But it might. Think about it. One month in Seoul and I'm still alive and well. Give me some energy, though.

2. Feel

Felt as if I was still drunk.

It was good to have some time for myself. I've learned how to cope with myself when alone thanks to the positive experiences I've had with all the people here. Let's see how well I'll be able to continue this when back in Finland. I still need to learn more about how to control my impatience when there's no need for it, but I've definitely learned some ways to do it. Besides, I actually have a whole course on assertive communication so let's see how I end up after the four months here.

Pick a day to ask me how I'm doing, any day. Chances are that I'm feeling tired. I've gotten pretty used to that in my life. It isn't often that you see me without bags under the eyes. It's not that I don't sleep enough, but something I could pay you if you fixed it. No, I don't know why I'm almost always so tired. Maybe it's something psychosomatic, maybe I just don't sleep deep enough.

Surprisingly enough I wasn't able to figure out before this that there's a correlation between sleep deprivation and being very easily irritated. Learning by doing. I spent a couple of sleepless nights at the beginning of the term due to waking up for dinner from a party the previous night. A certain amount of caffeine will keep me going, though... as long as there's some rest awaiting me at some point. Despite the caffeine I'm not always my most social self, which might be caused by the slack of sleep but more often by the feeling of being ignored some people usually manage to create. Let everyone speak up, OK?

I've also felt absolutely uninhibited at some occasions. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I've been running around the city without clothes. It's more that I don't give a crap about the social norms when it comes to discussing with people, which I think is why I exist. To have good talks with good people. Unfortunately I only get the absolutely uninhibited feeling the day after a rough night out as my brain still remains partly asleep, but at least the soju distilleries don't run out of business. I get some of the best talks the day afterwards when I still feel slightly drunk.

Besides, I might sometimes annoy people as a result. Fortunately I tend not to take myself too seriously so the others can just tell me to shut up if I'm too loud. I've had some good discussions here (psychology etc.) but I still don't feel like I would've connected with too many people on some other level than the one on which you have your small talks. But the times that I did have a good talk have been... nice.

I've enjoyed the way exchange studies force you out of the comfort zone. It makes people to react in unpredictable ways, for me it mostly offers a chance to get to know other people more easily. I don't socialize that often with new people when I can be observed by people that I know well or even distantly. There's the unpleasant feeling of being assessed by them for whatever purpose, even if just for jokes. If you're not following, here's an example: whenever I'm travelling with someone I always keep in mind how the other person feels. I tend not to do something if there's a chance they won't accept it. Sound familiar, rational? My problem is that I dislike being bound by norms and most people like to keep to them. This is why I'm writing a blog like this, even if I risk being ridiculed when I show my feelings.

Despite all the exciting stuff in the new environment there will be a time when you've gotten over the culture shock and fallen back into your old boring personality. There is a comfort zone already and you can fall back into it if it looks like there's too much unfamiliar coming up. You'll have found your place in the exchange student society, chances are. Or then you ask yourself why not and enjoy the ride.

But there are times when you get sad, and when you get sad, you can't always stop being sad and be awesome instead. For me, the most difficult thing in life is trying to fit in. As I said previously I haven't connected with too many people here, which is because I find that I don't think the same way as your average Joe. If that's not it, I've got to be just horribly bad at communicating anything.

But when in a group of people for a longer period of time, I tend to fall in the more introvert category. The good thing about this is that I am very aware of others but as I'm not an average Joe it's unavoidable not to feel lonely at times. Even more intimately put, everyone needs attachment but with an avoidant personality you want to get away from close people. How controversial can it get?

Let's move on to another issue that annoys me. I don't like people when they have the need to brag, ignore me or criticize people too often. It eats me, even if I try to understand what leads to this behavior. But like you know there's a big chance you meet people like this. So what do I do? I shut up. You can't please everyone but there are a lot of fish in the ocean to use a catchphrase - even if everyone has their flaws. There's also a chance that these people change their behavior. Right?

So what I'm doing is trying not to get too attached to people because there's a chance they're not their real selves when put into a completely new environment. I definitely wasn't my usual self at the beginning of something as crazy as this. I'm trying to define the line between what I can express openly and what's not to speak aloud about even with close friends. I guess I'll get to know from the reactions of the people who read this stuff. Check Shutter Island for an extreme view to this. I like the way psychology seems to be becoming fashionable in Hollywood.

Whatever the result, I believe you've got to align what you feel and what you say. To be congruent. I've got the best experiences of pretty much anything social when analyzing my feelings and openly expressing them. For me, this blog is just another fun(?) psychological(?) experiment(?). My guideline is to not to take anything too seriously. I try to be as informal as possible. Of course it's difficult but you've got to learn to be pragmatic at some point. I haven't intentionally put too much stuff between the lines but I apologize if you haven't understood everything. Did I mention I'm often sarcastic to the wrong people?

Accepting that it's not about arriving but about the journey is always a struggle for me. I find situations something I need to solve, which causes a lot of my impatience as opposed to being able to let it go and chill out. This is why I sometimes prefer going alone or with just one or two friends when exploring something new. No need to make too many compromises. Besides, I often need time for myself to just reflect on things. I guess that's what generates energy for me. Given that I'm not totally isolated all the time.

Did I mention I'm also a perfectionist? I try to give my all to everything I do. Otherwise I don't do it. Which made me think: where do the feelings caused by failure originate? My conclusion is the superego, i.e. the norms you more or less unconsciously adapted when growing up. Resistance takes energy. Often I'm bound by the norms merely because of whatever I was exposed to when younger. Summa summarum, despite the fact that I like to avoid norms I don't always have the energy to continuously follow my values.

Some of my friends are probably bored by the excess blabbering about psychology I often end up doing. I guess they won't be the ones reading this though, so here goes...

I've only recently understood the importance of unconsciousness in the way we act. Free association, memory/brain and cognitive development are some words that can give you an idea of what I've recently been going through in my mind. One day my psych class teacher gave the class a minute to think about their earliest memory. I could think of two things: one when I was five and my mom was amazed by my ability to read the company logo we passed by in a car. I was sad because she didn't know I could. The other memory was when I was seven and got to see who was going to be in my class. I remember feeling disappointed: these kids?

I don't mean to be a snob yet I guess that's the way I come out at times. Here's to you: did you know that most people recall their earliest memory from when they were 2-4 years old? I guess I'm pretty bad at recalling stuff. I do wonder though where my reactions in the memories and similar situations even these days originated from. The need to brag. Time to shut up.

4. Random

The roles we are given by the society affect the way we behave. See Stanford prison experiment for a famous (and creepy) social experiment. This is even true when working on a group assignment: the leader, whether informal or formal, takes on a role.