Quiet exteriors, stormy interiors

Hey dad, how's it going? Haven't heard from you. -Everything’s fine.

…Right?

2. Feel

When I started writing this entry I had arrived home today slightly after midnight after a lot of action in Korea, Philippines and in my life. To put it all in short, I fucked up good this time. I’m happy to have a blog that serves as a way of letting it out for me.

Ever since I was a small schoolboy I couldn’t bother others with my problems. I’ve had my share of them so this caused even more problems… for me. I was bullied for what I guess totaled something like six years in elementary school. One year more or less doesn’t sound too long here does it? Well it did then. Anyway, the reasons behind me not telling others about my problems were twofold.

Firstly, like I mentioned, I didn’t want to bother others. Who would want to be in contact with a complaining wuss? I made the mistake of trying to build my identity on people who I was in touch with. There weren’t many; I’m from the countryside. That’s how I still am and always will be, you can’t change a personal characteristic that deep – the difference is that now I know it and can work on it. Second, behind my stupid smile I’m very sensitive and wasn’t sure how my voice would hold. To this day I keep my distance from anything that could go past the defenses. In one relationship I’ve been able to let down the guard; in some, many pieces of it. But it’s not like I’m able to show who I am before I get to trust you. I guess I’m not different from many others.

Right now I’ve been going through a rather deep personal crisis and I guess there’s only me to blame. I caused something to make me and another person very depressed in a way that might be irreversible. All this by not clearly explaining the other person about a situation that I’m in and the reasons for it. I still have hope for things to get better, but in these situations they never tell you how long the tunnel is or if it’s a dead end. I’m making a lot of effort to fix what I’ve broken but some things are as fragile as glass.

So this wasn’t exactly the way I expected to come back home. Assumption is the mother of all fuck-ups. Should’ve learned my lesson when I told that to my team last summer. The only thing left for me to do is to ask for forgiveness – that’s what you do when you fuck up - and hold strong.