Now: Nenä ylös ja kohti uusia pettymyksiä

You're young, talented and free to do whatever you want with more time to do so. That's a bitch.

But it doesn't feel good.
Yes, I've had a pretty tough month. Rejections from here, there, there and there. I felt like I lost everything that I had - but to be honest, I didn't really have anything. You can't lose something you have, right? I just wished for those things to be mine and could not see the mistakes I made that ultimately lead to my "downfall".

And now - it didn't take that long, did it? - I'm on my way back. On my way back. The biggest setback I faced is still there and I will feel quite depressed about it for quite some time from now. It's the one thing that I can only blame myself about and it's about a life I felt so content with that I cannot imagine anything better. But then you do what you gotta do and you'll see bitter reminders of that failure in the upcoming many many moments.

But when is now? Now is after one month in Finland and after 45 sweaty pages of research, analysis, communication and emotion. Now is after two paperwork projects and something about moving to another place. Though most of all, now is after a month - no, many months - of dreaming about that reality and realizing it's the reality which doesn't exist, for me, anymore. I set my priorities but didn't express them soon enough. Next time then.

Now is also when I have hope of finding my way somewhere else. I feel there's nothing left for me in Finland - not for now.

Nenä ylös ja kohti uusia pettymyksiä (get your head up and towards new disappointments).

I'll be back.